With Garfield eyes the phone stared at me in silence. Numb I thought, no calls, no texts, nothing but the snoozed alarm. Accustomed to the attention and sweet nothings, the silence was a killer. Constant affirmations of my beauty, deep looks into my eyes,and expression of my worth in the measure of every ounce of love,came not.Security,covering and protection,a masculine figure for a bulb change, aerial fixing and furniture moving all gone.
Jesus no longer made sense in my life. We were both Christians but church was a chill out place for show off. He became my savior in all matters. Giggles of ‘they look good together’ was fuel to the thoughts of, ‘he is truly the center my all.’ My life revolved around him, a god I had created. I had done away with my friends to make him happy. ‘They are jealous,’ he said. I didn’t need them anymore, they had a problem I thought.
Getting back to the phone, it dawned on me that I sure was alone and had to make adjustments. A Christian man had broken my heart,and a pure Christian breed,raised and bred in Christian values was single again. Single club here I come–the motto,“Jesus won’t marry you,” brought on a choice of, “just a little fun won’t harm you”, and of course “there are plenty of fish in the sea.”
Accountability down the drain, I had sold my rights to the lowest bidder and was a mess. My heart clung to the good old days. A reflection of myself in the path I chose. Calls to change before it’s too late landed deafly on a sick ear. Church was too much work. The burden wore me out and I could bear no more.
One cold night I heard a whisper in the waves of my thoughts; “I am the perfection of life and me. My me is the best, if you do what I say, I will give you what you desire.” Caught up in my thoughts amid discouragement and desire for the previous life, these words had little effect on me. But finally the lightning struck and it all came to me fully. I had drowned myself in pity but I had not lost it all yet, I still had something to salvage. Being single wasn’t bad, it was an opportunity to serve God and dedicate myself wholly for His service.
I wanted so much to go back to my first love but the pul
l for human affirmation was a rush in my heart that none could overtake. One step at a me and I would get there. His grace is surely sufficient and His mercies true. He remained faithful even in my unfaithfulness. All I had to do was obey.
When I reached that point I began to realized that God had a reason why things had been the way they were. Everything made sense when I decided to go back to my first love. At first, there was a feeling of being overwhelmed, which kept me wondering, will everything be ok, will God forgive me , will this guilt am feeling disappear. But then, inside me there was that comforting feeling which kept reminding me am not alone.
It wasn’t easy to start afresh because inside me I thought, I have been saved before, so I know what it entails. I expected things to be the same,but God wanted a fresh start with me. I would go to my brother wanting him to explain to me what I should do,how I should pray. I was feeling frustrated with what was going on inside me. It was amazing how he would receive me, he would keep qui
te while I talk, then when am done, he would remind me that my part is to obey and let God have his way. After every meeting with him, I would go back to God and just open my heart to Him, and tell Him how I felt. This gave me great peace. I was like a young plant, feeble but willing to grow strong in the right way.
Everyday I felt like it was a new day, a day to learn something. I started seeing things the way God intended them to be. This helped me grow and to live knowing that my life has a purpose and am accountable to someone who loves me so much. My mind transformed, I got new friends. My mood changed from “Jesus won’t marry you” to “I am single and surrendered to Christ.”